I have an anger management problem

I have an anger management problem. I’m afraid of being angry. I hate the way it makes me feel out of control. My face flushes and my thoughts scatter as I fumble to defend my stance. I find myself polarizing on my position in defense or remaining silent and frustrated, then venting later. When I’m in an argument, it’s almost as if I get amnesia after the fact – I can’t remember what I said or what happened. I feel dumb and defenseless, literally!

I was raised not to express anger. Anger was “talking back.” Anger was “bad.” I can still remember being struck mute when I was asked, “Why didn’t you do __, and don’t tell me you forgot.” Of course, I forgot. How many times did I want to explain but couldn’t? My sister, on the other hand, didn’t have any problem expressing her anger. The constant struggle between her and my parents was the overriding force of my childhood. It was best for me to be quiet and unnoticed.

Have I grown out of old habits of metaphorically hiding? Somewhat, but it took decades. Do I feel like I have an adult grasp of anger? Nope, I’m still struggling. Sometimes I feel like a pendulum swinging back and forth between “too little” and “too much” – like Goldilocks, I’m still trying to figure out what’s “just right.”

So what constitutes healthy anger management? How do I defend myself in confidence? Rather, how do I come from a place of confidence instead of defense?

Dear Lord, thank you for helping me grow. Open my mind so that I can value my position and listen to others. Help me absorb other viewpoints so that I may enrich my outlook. Coax me away from resisting and clinging to information that’s incomplete. With respect and humbleness, show me how to defend my opinions and hold them at equal value to others’. Amen.

Majeeda Rosa