The Cart before the Horse

I've been integrating healthy habits into my morning routine, one of which is a walk along the levy nearby. It's a beautiful walk that runs along a creek beside fields of horses and cows. I'm always rewarded...when I'm not caught up in my head.

Sometimes I have trouble living outside of my mind. I have to work at maintaining a proper balance of seeing the world "as it is" versus distorting it with my imagination. I catch myself ruminating over perceived lacks and building negative scenarios. I get angry at those I love, or myself, or the media, or anything else that contributes to my belief that I don't have enough...whatever.

Today on my walk I didn't see anything. Yes, my feet trod the path and I noticed little backyard gardens in a glance, but I was focused on building a future in my head of living without this or that...forever. I was angry at someone I love because of my expectations not being met. I could feel myself scowling, my lips set tight and shoulders tense.

In retrospect, there are a few things I could address about what was happening, but at that moment out on the levy only one thought occurred to me.

"Geez, Majeeda, you're creating your own reality right now. X isn't making you angry, YOU are, right here, right now."

Whether the scenarios I was building were true or not, I was making myself angry. This was something I could control. I was placing myself in this state of mind by my behavior. The moment I realized this, I let it go. Three minutes later I was grinching and getting angry again...and again, I stopped myself from being angry. I cycled through this a few times as I walked home. Hmmm...a habit. Not good.

I can't imagine life without emotion, but am I confusing emotion with a state of being? Are they perhaps different? Something new to explore. I think I'll begin to change this habit of my emotions controlling me.

How do you control your emotions? I'd love to hear in the comments below.

Just Be

Majeeda Rosa

Practicing Reverse Voodoo

Sometimes I feel like I have all these little drains slowly seeping my strength away.  Just little holes poked in in my energy field.  In my day-to-day life I’m not really aware of them.  Each time a poke happens, the hole is barely noticeable, just a little jab quickly brushed away in most cases. 

Over time, these little drains add up.  This week I realized how tired I am and how much effort I’ve actually been putting into each of those little jabs…ruminating about old stuff on the way to work…disturbing, angry dreams at night. 

It’s time for me to perform a little reverse voodoo. 

Uh oh…we’re going to get a little freaky now…well, not really.

Reverse voodoo is finding all the “pin holes” in myself and pulling the “pin” out.  These pins are old wounds, unfinished business, what-I-should-have-saids, misunderstandings, worries about the future, and other thoughts that steal my energy.  Many of these things are really nothing (I say to myself), so why do I still wander there? 

Carolyn Myss says it best: we have a limited amount of energy “currency” in the here and now – how much are we spending it in the past?  What does that leave us with to use in the present?  Don’t give your energy away on “stuff”!

I pull out the pins by asking myself a few questions, usually on paper:

• When my mind wanders into old grievances or hurts, where does it go?
• When I’m there, how do I feel?
• Why do I feel that way?
• How does feeling this way help me today?
• Can I consciously let go of this?

There’s nothing like a little ritual to help the mind really grasp what you want it to do.  I take the papers, one for each energy drain, and say a little prayer out loud while I (safely) burn each one, addressing these thoughts and emotions:

Thank you for serving me in my time of need.  You’ve provided a lesson in who I am as well as who I am not.  You’ve shaped my thoughts and at the time of your creation protected me.  Because of you I’ve grown.  Your use has passed.  Through God’s grace, leave me now.

I inhale a great breath and let it out in peace, refreshed.

Majeeda Rosa

I have an anger management problem

I have an anger management problem. I’m afraid of being angry. I hate the way it makes me feel out of control. My face flushes and my thoughts scatter as I fumble to defend my stance. I find myself polarizing on my position in defense or remaining silent and frustrated, then venting later. When I’m in an argument, it’s almost as if I get amnesia after the fact – I can’t remember what I said or what happened. I feel dumb and defenseless, literally!

I was raised not to express anger. Anger was “talking back.” Anger was “bad.” I can still remember being struck mute when I was asked, “Why didn’t you do __, and don’t tell me you forgot.” Of course, I forgot. How many times did I want to explain but couldn’t? My sister, on the other hand, didn’t have any problem expressing her anger. The constant struggle between her and my parents was the overriding force of my childhood. It was best for me to be quiet and unnoticed.

Have I grown out of old habits of metaphorically hiding? Somewhat, but it took decades. Do I feel like I have an adult grasp of anger? Nope, I’m still struggling. Sometimes I feel like a pendulum swinging back and forth between “too little” and “too much” – like Goldilocks, I’m still trying to figure out what’s “just right.”

So what constitutes healthy anger management? How do I defend myself in confidence? Rather, how do I come from a place of confidence instead of defense?

Dear Lord, thank you for helping me grow. Open my mind so that I can value my position and listen to others. Help me absorb other viewpoints so that I may enrich my outlook. Coax me away from resisting and clinging to information that’s incomplete. With respect and humbleness, show me how to defend my opinions and hold them at equal value to others’. Amen.

Majeeda Rosa