The Cart before the Horse

I've been integrating healthy habits into my morning routine, one of which is a walk along the levy nearby. It's a beautiful walk that runs along a creek beside fields of horses and cows. I'm always rewarded...when I'm not caught up in my head.

Sometimes I have trouble living outside of my mind. I have to work at maintaining a proper balance of seeing the world "as it is" versus distorting it with my imagination. I catch myself ruminating over perceived lacks and building negative scenarios. I get angry at those I love, or myself, or the media, or anything else that contributes to my belief that I don't have enough...whatever.

Today on my walk I didn't see anything. Yes, my feet trod the path and I noticed little backyard gardens in a glance, but I was focused on building a future in my head of living without this or that...forever. I was angry at someone I love because of my expectations not being met. I could feel myself scowling, my lips set tight and shoulders tense.

In retrospect, there are a few things I could address about what was happening, but at that moment out on the levy only one thought occurred to me.

"Geez, Majeeda, you're creating your own reality right now. X isn't making you angry, YOU are, right here, right now."

Whether the scenarios I was building were true or not, I was making myself angry. This was something I could control. I was placing myself in this state of mind by my behavior. The moment I realized this, I let it go. Three minutes later I was grinching and getting angry again...and again, I stopped myself from being angry. I cycled through this a few times as I walked home. Hmmm...a habit. Not good.

I can't imagine life without emotion, but am I confusing emotion with a state of being? Are they perhaps different? Something new to explore. I think I'll begin to change this habit of my emotions controlling me.

How do you control your emotions? I'd love to hear in the comments below.

Just Be

Majeeda Rosa

Shadow Court

Here Ye, Here Ye! Court is now in session. Only the truth and nothing but the truth will be upheld in Shadow Court…

Shadow Court?

Everyone has a shadow side, that part of themselves that they don’t like or feel shameful about. Our shadows are made up of those emotions and actions that are considered unacceptable by our own judgment, whether influenced by our family or friends or society in general.

Some of these shadow selves are misjudged or misunderstood.

“Will speaking up please step forward? You there, what do you have to say for yourself? Nothing?” Speaking’s face burns as she mumbles something in the bailiff’s ear, eyes turned down. The bailiff says to the judge, “Speaking up is pushy and rude…not ladylike. She's been punished for it in the past.”

Ahhh…magic words, “in the past.” It’s amazing how much the past plays out in Shadow Court. When I go to Shadow Court (aka examining aspects of myself that cause me discomfort) I have to ask, is what I’m looking at REALLY what I’m looking at? Is this truly a villain? How long ago was this “definition” of the offending shadow aspect set? Does this definition serve me now? If it does then what’s a better way of demonstrating it?

Maybe there’s a bit of both good and bad here. For instance, speaking up can be aggressive or it can be assertive. What does it look like when it’s aggressive? What should it look like? How can it align with and support my values? How will I know I’m crossing the line?

The cross-examination continues...

The courtroom is packed tonight. I see arrogance sitting next to defensive, and insecure is waiting by the door. Interrupting keeps talking over conflict avoidance in the second row. Selfish and thoughtless don’t even realize the other is in attendance while judgment looks around with accusing eyes. Unmotivated laziness just said screw it and stayed home.

The docket is full, and tThe courtroom drama is thick tonight.

Lord, help me perceive what is real and what is not. Where shadows exist let me shine light so that all illusions are taken away. I want to grow in spirit and oneness.

Majeeda Rosa