With a little help from my friends...

Since I was a young girl, I've always had trouble asking for help. Trouble with homework? No, I'll handle it. Trying to move a chair? Nope, I can do it. To this day, I have trouble admitting when I need help.

It's so....revealing.

You see, I'm supposed to be an expert on everything. Have a question? I can find the answer. Need assistance finishing something? I can provide it or know who can. Have an obscure or trivial thought? I probably know it's origin!

My strength comes from independence and self-reliance - I CAN DO IT (she says as she rolls up her sleeves in a Rosy the Riveter pose). I not only don't need anybody to help me, dagnabbit, I can save their bacon too (even if it's only in Trivial Pursuit).

Go figure - I'm a know it all. Not.

This year has provided some of my biggest lessons. Being vulnerable. Asking for help. Squirming less and smiling more as I reach out my hand to take instead of give. Saying thank you. Submission.

Tomorrow I go in for surgery and will be vulnerable and needy for quite some time. Instead of feeling incomplete, missing vital parts of what makes me strong, I'll be strong in a different way - strong through submitting to the present - the here and now instead of the should be and has been. I'll gain strength by being in the moment, learning how to be interdependent instead of independent.

I'll be stepping out of this blog for a little while during my recovery. I've asked some good friends to fill in while I'm out and provide you their perspective on this journey we share together.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter and touch base with me while I recover. I'll be back in a few weeks.

Lord, thank you for my dear, sweet friends, rooting for my full recovery. Thank you for this beautiful web of interconnectedness in which we touch each other's souls. Over the next weeks, keep me cradled in your hands and blow your healing breath across my body and soul that I may heal in all ways. Thank you.

Majeeda Rosa

How's Your Bubble?

How's your "life bubble" - that comfortable space consisting of practices, people, and opinions that form your reality? We all live in one. It's comfortable. Familiar. Expected: if THIS, then THAT...knowable. We're experts, anthropologists of our own bubble world.

Or are we?

Like any good scientist, this anthropologist needs to conduct some observations. Maybe run some experiments. The native is restless.

Hmmm...do I detect a loss of territory? Have my experiences to date led me to limiting beliefs? Are there concepts and opinions that have become "facts" within my bubble world? Do I discount any challenges to my facts as exceptions to the rule? How about "can't" and "won't" - have they grown like invasive Kudzu? Why "can't" I?

It's hard to challenge reality, uncover the uncomfortable.

The thing I'm most scared of is that there's no such thing as a little change. What if my bubble bursts? Everything expected and knowable is gone. How do you get comfortable with that?

God, in your unfathomable expansiveness, open my mind. Let me gather my thoughts and conclusions not as flowers to collect, but seeds to plant so that they continue to grow. Bless me with foresight learned from experience and judgment that expands with perspective. Help me be comfortable with not knowing and experience the moment for what is rather than what I want it to be. Amen.

Practicing Reverse Voodoo

Sometimes I feel like I have all these little drains slowly seeping my strength away.  Just little holes poked in in my energy field.  In my day-to-day life I’m not really aware of them.  Each time a poke happens, the hole is barely noticeable, just a little jab quickly brushed away in most cases. 

Over time, these little drains add up.  This week I realized how tired I am and how much effort I’ve actually been putting into each of those little jabs…ruminating about old stuff on the way to work…disturbing, angry dreams at night. 

It’s time for me to perform a little reverse voodoo. 

Uh oh…we’re going to get a little freaky now…well, not really.

Reverse voodoo is finding all the “pin holes” in myself and pulling the “pin” out.  These pins are old wounds, unfinished business, what-I-should-have-saids, misunderstandings, worries about the future, and other thoughts that steal my energy.  Many of these things are really nothing (I say to myself), so why do I still wander there? 

Carolyn Myss says it best: we have a limited amount of energy “currency” in the here and now – how much are we spending it in the past?  What does that leave us with to use in the present?  Don’t give your energy away on “stuff”!

I pull out the pins by asking myself a few questions, usually on paper:

• When my mind wanders into old grievances or hurts, where does it go?
• When I’m there, how do I feel?
• Why do I feel that way?
• How does feeling this way help me today?
• Can I consciously let go of this?

There’s nothing like a little ritual to help the mind really grasp what you want it to do.  I take the papers, one for each energy drain, and say a little prayer out loud while I (safely) burn each one, addressing these thoughts and emotions:

Thank you for serving me in my time of need.  You’ve provided a lesson in who I am as well as who I am not.  You’ve shaped my thoughts and at the time of your creation protected me.  Because of you I’ve grown.  Your use has passed.  Through God’s grace, leave me now.

I inhale a great breath and let it out in peace, refreshed.

Majeeda Rosa

Ugh! That little negative voice

“Nobody cares what you have to say.”

“You always start and never finish. Why bother?”

“You’re going to FAIL…AGAIN.”

I have a little demon in my head named M2. She’s constantly picking on me, pointing out how I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough…not “enough.” She’s non-stop. She’s never satisfied and always has something to piss-on about. Sometimes she takes over my mouth and not just my mind – I hear her complaining to my husband, a friend, a coworker. Sheesh, shut up already!

If I heard anyone having a conversation like this with a so-called friend, I’d tell them to drop them like a bad habit. The only problem is that habits are there for a reason. All habits have a payback. So the question I really have to ask is:

What am I getting out of this self-sabotage?

If I “can’t do it” then I don’t have to put out the effort. In essence, I blame someone else for not accomplishing the task because it’s “out of my hands” and the universe has deemed it that way. If it’s not my responsibility then no one can blame me if it doesn’t turn out perfect because “I told you I couldn’t do it.” Someone might denigrate my accomplishment (that is, denigrate me). If I accomplish something, someone might expect more from me. Wow, “more” is a lot of pressure.

Then why do I feel so guilty and defeated?

Because I’m denying myself something I crave…self respect….pride in my accomplishment…the joy of something that feeds my soul. Is it truly that hard to allow myself to shine?

God, help me to open my eyes to the “chatter” and recognize it for its falseness. Help me see and remember those things that bring me true, soul-satisfying joy and let them serve as a shield against the negative programming in my head. Please send your angels to help me so that I can use those gifts with which you've blessed me.

Majeeda Rosa

I have my doubts

Some days I wonder, is there really some sentient omniscient being or thing out there, something or someone who actually gives a damn about us? Is prayer and ritual and all the motions we go through just a distraction or do they really mean something?

Sometimes I have to dig deep to believe.

I practice Reiki, an energy healing modality that relies on the belief of something more powerful than ourselves, a self-directed, universal power. Personally this is my perception of God, not the patriarch we've made in our own image, rather something mysterious and beyond our ability to grasp during this life. When I'm practicing Reiki, sometimes I feel incredible loving energy coursing through my hands. Other times I feel nothing - I ask myself, is this all in my head? And yet the person receiving the energy will report vivid colors or heat or a sense of incredible well-being. Sometimes they report nothing.

What's the difference between perception and reality? If you ask a quantum physicist, he or she will likely tell you "not much." Our perception shapes reality.

Sometimes you have to believe before you can see. Does doubt undermine faith? I think it makes it stronger. The days that I doubt are the days that I remember moments of grace, the little bits of evidence I rely on to bolster my faith.

And yet...

Beloved, help me judge with my heart and not my mind. When I'm tense and uncertain, open my heart so that I can feel your love. Send your messengers into my life so that I am reminded that I am not alone. Help me to walk in love and not fear so that I may feel your grace everyday.

Sharing my doubts and my love with you,

Majeeda Rosa