Ugh! That little negative voice

“Nobody cares what you have to say.”

“You always start and never finish. Why bother?”

“You’re going to FAIL…AGAIN.”

I have a little demon in my head named M2. She’s constantly picking on me, pointing out how I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough…not “enough.” She’s non-stop. She’s never satisfied and always has something to piss-on about. Sometimes she takes over my mouth and not just my mind – I hear her complaining to my husband, a friend, a coworker. Sheesh, shut up already!

If I heard anyone having a conversation like this with a so-called friend, I’d tell them to drop them like a bad habit. The only problem is that habits are there for a reason. All habits have a payback. So the question I really have to ask is:

What am I getting out of this self-sabotage?

If I “can’t do it” then I don’t have to put out the effort. In essence, I blame someone else for not accomplishing the task because it’s “out of my hands” and the universe has deemed it that way. If it’s not my responsibility then no one can blame me if it doesn’t turn out perfect because “I told you I couldn’t do it.” Someone might denigrate my accomplishment (that is, denigrate me). If I accomplish something, someone might expect more from me. Wow, “more” is a lot of pressure.

Then why do I feel so guilty and defeated?

Because I’m denying myself something I crave…self respect….pride in my accomplishment…the joy of something that feeds my soul. Is it truly that hard to allow myself to shine?

God, help me to open my eyes to the “chatter” and recognize it for its falseness. Help me see and remember those things that bring me true, soul-satisfying joy and let them serve as a shield against the negative programming in my head. Please send your angels to help me so that I can use those gifts with which you've blessed me.

Majeeda Rosa

I have my doubts

Some days I wonder, is there really some sentient omniscient being or thing out there, something or someone who actually gives a damn about us? Is prayer and ritual and all the motions we go through just a distraction or do they really mean something?

Sometimes I have to dig deep to believe.

I practice Reiki, an energy healing modality that relies on the belief of something more powerful than ourselves, a self-directed, universal power. Personally this is my perception of God, not the patriarch we've made in our own image, rather something mysterious and beyond our ability to grasp during this life. When I'm practicing Reiki, sometimes I feel incredible loving energy coursing through my hands. Other times I feel nothing - I ask myself, is this all in my head? And yet the person receiving the energy will report vivid colors or heat or a sense of incredible well-being. Sometimes they report nothing.

What's the difference between perception and reality? If you ask a quantum physicist, he or she will likely tell you "not much." Our perception shapes reality.

Sometimes you have to believe before you can see. Does doubt undermine faith? I think it makes it stronger. The days that I doubt are the days that I remember moments of grace, the little bits of evidence I rely on to bolster my faith.

And yet...

Beloved, help me judge with my heart and not my mind. When I'm tense and uncertain, open my heart so that I can feel your love. Send your messengers into my life so that I am reminded that I am not alone. Help me to walk in love and not fear so that I may feel your grace everyday.

Sharing my doubts and my love with you,

Majeeda Rosa

An angel entered my life five years ago

About five years ago, my husband was going through a rough patch and so I prayed. You know, one of those desperate, hands clasped and rocking back-and-forth prayers ending with "pleasepleaseplease...."

The kind where you bargain. Know what I mean?

It was resoundingly answered the next day.

If you ask, truly ask from your heart and not your head, you'll get your answer. You might not know it's the answer until later of course - time offers perspective.

Remember Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life? Clarence came into our lives, only his name is Jake. Probably the most ornery little terrier you'll ever meet. White with black floppy ears and silky curls, although we couldn't determine that until later as he was quite covered in filth. His little legs were wobbly and he was trying not to fall over while dodging cars in the gas station parking lot. We thought we were saving him when we scooped him up and brought him home.

 

Jake saved us.

My prayer the night before was for my husband to find happiness in his life. We kid around (but not really) that Jake was so ornery in Heaven that he lost his wings in a fight and has to earn them again. He's fulfilling his job admirably - he's the most lovable, rascally, happiness-giving little cuss you'll ever meet.

Today's prayer:

Dear Lord, thank you for Jake. The road has been a little rough - it's hard opening your heart and when it's so vulnerable - but the joy he's brought has been worth every minute. His antics and his compassion are tremendous. As he gets older please treat him kindly. Help us to provide for his needs as he provides for ours. Thank you.

Majeeda Rosa