What are you worth?

How do you judge your self-worth? From my dear friend Sheila:

What value do I have?  I’ve spent my entire life asking, "What's my self-worth?"  As a child I valued myself based on grades, number of friends, achievements, awards, recognition.  My self-worth came from what others thought of me.
 
As a young, married adult I determined my value as a person based on my husband’s opinion, my ability to complete a college degree, the job I was able to obtain.  My self-worth came from what others thought of me.
 
As the clock chimed and I faced my 30th birthday, I yet again found myself asking, "What am I worth?"  I based my worth on the career I had, the paycheck I earned, what people thought of me as a mother, what people – even those I would not want in my life - thought of me.  My self-worth came from what others thought of me.
 
Then it happened, I was laid-off.  After a decade in my job, I no longer had any value… any worth.  Without a job, I was not bringing money into the household….. I didn’t provide any value…any worth.  
 
Ah, but that’s where I was wrong.  I stopped, I slowed down, I took the time to look around.  My value was not gone – my worth had not changed.  I had simply misplaced it.  I found it – in the smile of my child, in the purr of my kitty cats, in the sloppy dog kisses from my beagle boys, in the strong hug of my husband.  My worth, my value is not based in dollars…in cents… in the opinion of others…. in awards… in accomplishments….but in spirit, in faith, in family.  My self-worth comes from me.
 
One of my favorite prayers by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

~Sheila Mae~
 
 

Ugh! That little negative voice

“Nobody cares what you have to say.”

“You always start and never finish. Why bother?”

“You’re going to FAIL…AGAIN.”

I have a little demon in my head named M2. She’s constantly picking on me, pointing out how I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough…not “enough.” She’s non-stop. She’s never satisfied and always has something to piss-on about. Sometimes she takes over my mouth and not just my mind – I hear her complaining to my husband, a friend, a coworker. Sheesh, shut up already!

If I heard anyone having a conversation like this with a so-called friend, I’d tell them to drop them like a bad habit. The only problem is that habits are there for a reason. All habits have a payback. So the question I really have to ask is:

What am I getting out of this self-sabotage?

If I “can’t do it” then I don’t have to put out the effort. In essence, I blame someone else for not accomplishing the task because it’s “out of my hands” and the universe has deemed it that way. If it’s not my responsibility then no one can blame me if it doesn’t turn out perfect because “I told you I couldn’t do it.” Someone might denigrate my accomplishment (that is, denigrate me). If I accomplish something, someone might expect more from me. Wow, “more” is a lot of pressure.

Then why do I feel so guilty and defeated?

Because I’m denying myself something I crave…self respect….pride in my accomplishment…the joy of something that feeds my soul. Is it truly that hard to allow myself to shine?

God, help me to open my eyes to the “chatter” and recognize it for its falseness. Help me see and remember those things that bring me true, soul-satisfying joy and let them serve as a shield against the negative programming in my head. Please send your angels to help me so that I can use those gifts with which you've blessed me.

Majeeda Rosa