I have my doubts

Some days I wonder, is there really some sentient omniscient being or thing out there, something or someone who actually gives a damn about us? Is prayer and ritual and all the motions we go through just a distraction or do they really mean something?

Sometimes I have to dig deep to believe.

I practice Reiki, an energy healing modality that relies on the belief of something more powerful than ourselves, a self-directed, universal power. Personally this is my perception of God, not the patriarch we've made in our own image, rather something mysterious and beyond our ability to grasp during this life. When I'm practicing Reiki, sometimes I feel incredible loving energy coursing through my hands. Other times I feel nothing - I ask myself, is this all in my head? And yet the person receiving the energy will report vivid colors or heat or a sense of incredible well-being. Sometimes they report nothing.

What's the difference between perception and reality? If you ask a quantum physicist, he or she will likely tell you "not much." Our perception shapes reality.

Sometimes you have to believe before you can see. Does doubt undermine faith? I think it makes it stronger. The days that I doubt are the days that I remember moments of grace, the little bits of evidence I rely on to bolster my faith.

And yet...

Beloved, help me judge with my heart and not my mind. When I'm tense and uncertain, open my heart so that I can feel your love. Send your messengers into my life so that I am reminded that I am not alone. Help me to walk in love and not fear so that I may feel your grace everyday.

Sharing my doubts and my love with you,

Majeeda Rosa